i snapped last night. i got nearly blackout drunk at nicks birthday party, because i was trying to drink away all the shit on my mind. i got too drunk. i cant remember if we left the party or were made to leave because i was pissing people off. and i cant remember the car ride home, but i remember a split second where buker was biting my thumb really hard and i could feel his teeth tearing into my skin. i opened my eyes and started just wailing on him, i think. i dont remember getting home, but i remember that buker called jess pavao's cell phone and started talking mad shit to her and her boyfriend. buker hung up, and then i called her back to apologize for it and she told me she never wanted to see me or hear from me ever again, again.

i dont remember if thats when i snapped or if there was something in the middle, but i think buker said something like he do, and i just went nuts and started hitting the ferret cage with my palms and my fists, sprained my thumb and then went out into the living room, where my parents started bitching at me for being loud, i think.

i went outside to use the lighter in the van, and just started balling my fucking eyes out. i cried like a little bitch for like 45 minutes. before i went outside i told my parents that i was leaving and started screaming shit about suicide. so, while i was sitting in the van, they called the cops to have them look for me. they pull up and i'm still sitting in the van balling my eyes out. so i catch my breath and step out of the van, walk up to the porch where my parents are talking to the cops, and tell them about how i was in the van and they didnt need to call the cops to find me. they tried to talk me into going to see the crisis team, because the cops brought it up, because i was still fuckin crying discussing everything. i was like, "fuck no. i'll be fine. i just needed to cry alone." and they went "OK" and left, and then i went back inside and fell asleep, still crying.

lesley blew me off 4 times this week and hasnt answered her phone for me in 3 days. so yesterday, first thing when i woke up, i called her and left a message on her answering machine telling her to call me by 8:30 that night or not to call me at all until she has time for me. then i find out that she's been lying to me about where she's been and heard a rumor that she's been dating that rioux kid behind my back, with him knowing all about it. but, because its a rumor, i cant really say anything about it. so then, before we went to the party i called her and told her to call kaitlyn's cell, cuz thats who was giving us the ride.

she never called,
either phone.

so i called her when i got home before shit blew up, and left suicide threats on her phone, telling her that she killed me and too enjoy her other boyfriend. i fucking snapped. but i called her back this morning and apologized, not that i'm really sure why it mattered to me. as far as i'm concerned, she can fuck herself.

i fell asleep at like 3 i think, maybe 4, woke up at 5:30 with a really bad hangover. i couldnt hydrate enough to make myself feel better, so i just sat there sulking and watching crap television until about 7:00, which is about when i called her to apologize. i feel like such shit, and i'm still thinking about her, probably because i hold some kind of hope in my heart that she'll call me today and everything will be fine, but i'm pretty sure my messages last night are going to have her keep her distance. i guess its for the best.

here's to the most wonderful time of the year. :\

you cant remember the names of anything you love. is it because you love nothing, or because nothing loves you. the lines seem to knot everytime they cross. your eyes are blurring and its starting to hurt. you dont drive off too many cliffs before learning to fly. paving more dirt to the roads will never save their dead ends, anymore than running in circles will ever give you wings.

this is the last time i'm forgetting you. the amnesiac's in heart attack. this is the last time i'm forgiving you. you'd best find where you lost yourself.

what a fool i've found.

i feel like such a skeez.

So little, so loud, is this murder or suicide? Who cuts who kills, whose killing me?
I could, I could crush you, I could never. You haunt me breathing,
You would break me dead. I would never even pray for it.
You only hurt the ones you love and I cant stop, I'm killing everything I love.
Is it that I hate myself that I keep crawling back to hell?
And I hope that the ink rots the lips right off your mouth
And poisons the heart id like to cut right out.
So lean back on the fact that you know all the crap about the song I wrote,
And perhaps they'll read the words, and maybe then they'll know.
Perfume, cigarettes and gin, was this murder or suicide?
Run your fingers through my hair as you whisper in my ear.
I hope you're not well, I hope things aren't fine.
I hope your body dies, long before your mind.
I hope you reach for help with hands that refuse to reach.
I hope you try to scream with a voice that just won't scream.
I sincerely hope your last breath is mine.

shes not a slut, kinda ish. i've just fooled around with her a couple times. but i learned my lesson last time. i'm not pulling that shit on anyone again. i told markus to smack me if i even thought about it.

but les had a tickle war with a man slut that night and was all like "he knew all the spots i was ticklish after seeing me only 3 times." i didnt go anywhere near the slut in my proximity. so really i should have been the one worried about it when i called her at 1 and 1:15 and 1:30 in the morning and her phone was off when it was supposedly on all night and she didnt leave the house until at least 2:00. and then when i finally talked to her in the morning, she talked to markus instead.

and to top the cake, the one day i say i cant hang out with her she goes and hangs out with the one person i hate the most and lets everyone there put thoughts about me cheating on her in her head just so they can try and lure her away from me and fuck me over with her later, bcuz mind fucks like that are just how that crew runs, even after i've explained to her a million times that they're going to try and use her againt me. i should know cuz i was one of them for a really long time.

i'm still wicked pissed about it if you cant tell. but i'm trying to keep my head leveled. i guess i'm doing a good job so far.

fuck girls who get in the middle of dead friendships.

i spent my whole weekend at lesleys. friday was kind of weird. like, theos party was cool and all, but i got wicked drunk and started being stupid. and then we were supposed to party again at lesleys but it wound being me and her all weekend.

lots of sex.

on saturday we went for a walk to newbury comics from her house. it was cool. we came back and had sex and fell asleep. sunday we woke up, we had sex. sat around all day waiting for her sister. around 5ish markus brought me to my house to get a change of clothes and stuff and on the way through attleboro we saw shady and henry walkign down the street. i called out to them through marks window and got us pulled over by this cop who was just being a prick. i owe mark 35 dollars for telling shady i love him. we made plans to hang out with them today and came to my house.

i grabbed my stuff and had my dad bring me back to lesis.

i got there and her sister was there about 10 minutes later with her bf. me, lesley, her dog, and her sister hung out on the grass while her sister's bf fed all the birds and bunnies.

after the 25 minutes it took to feed everything, we went inside. i stayed distant from them and let them have family time even though they wanted to meet me. call it shy if you must. i played around on myspace.

her sister left and me and lesley went and had sex and fell asleep.

today was different. i woke up naked and watched lesley sleep for like 15 minutes and then she woke up. we had sex and went downstairs. it was about 2:00 in the afternoon. i called markus to see when he wanted to come get me so we could chill with henry and shady. he didnt answer. about 20 minutes went by and i asked daizy where mark was and markus IMd me from daizies house. i asked him when he wanted to come get me and he said he never said he'd give me a ride home.

after arguing about it with him for like 25 minutes i gave up and asked daizy again and daizy said he'd do it for gas money. lesley said shed give him gas money he said ok. we never hung out with shady and henry. i was looking forward to that shit cuz those are some cool motherfuckers.

after arguing that with mark though i couldnt help but think about how all my friends have turned into something different and now it was spreading to my closest of family, namely markus and daizy. they're really all i have left of one besides lesley, and as stated in a previous entry, i'm not letting myself be as close to her as feel i am, which creates problems later. but back to what i was saying, i'm feeling markus and daizy pushing me away. i dont know what it is, but thats the last of what i have distancing itself from me. i just dont know where i keep going wrong, but its happened somewhere in everything i've held close to me. but fuck it, i'm not whining about shit again.

so daizy came and got me and lesley and brought us to my house. me and lesley watched gramma's boy on OnDemand, and then we decided we should go back to her house so we could have sex and cuddle without being hounded by retards. so we had my dad drive us back to her house where we proceeded to have more sex.

then we smoked a cigarette.

for personal reasons i wont say what, but she was poking fun at me for something. she thought it bothered me so she asked me about it and i told her the truth. i didnt care that she was making fun of it because i would too if it wasnt me, but i also told her about how the reason i didnt look so happy and alive was because there was other shit on my mind that i didnt want to talk about thats been bothering me for a while. she kept trying to get me to tell her about it and i wouldnt so she got mad at me and we didnt talk for what felt like an hour.

eventually, we were cuddling again up in her bedroom next to the air conditioner, waiting for my dad to show up.

tomorrow is the 4th of july. independence day. the way things have been going, i dont want to know what might happen tomorrow. i dont need a war for my independence, because i'm pretty sure if one comes up, i'll be the only one fighting it.

i dont want to go to kids day either. too many good memories that turned to illnesses. too much drama surrounding me that i'll be stuck choking down all over the field. too many possibilities of things going worse.

i think i'll play sick that weekend, or just sleep through it.

i'm going back to wanting to disappear. the last time i did that, i did in a way and came back upside down. i lost most of everything good that i had. but i had something so much better while i was gone. but disappearing doesnt mean leaving north attleboro. just not existing for a while. unfortunately, you cant unmake yourself, unless of course you've mastered the secrets of quantom physics and the mysterious arts of criss angel.

or jesus.

fred, wherever the fuck you are, come find me.
goodnight.

i hate that this is becoming another piss and whine shit. to anyone reading this who doesnt know me, i promise i really am fucking metal, i'm just flocked with bullshit and drama that really shouldnt exist, but does due to my shy but foregoing personality or my insecure fuck ups which never work out for me. i promise those that do know me dont even pay attention to this bcuz they know its all mindless and usually based off of nonsense. i'm gonna write this entry like i'm speaking to people who dont know me, but i know its only 2 people who are actually paying any attention at all. i went totally crazy a few months back. paranoia, dillusionally suicidal, anxiety, depression. whatever the fuck you want to call the reason its one of those. i was letting shit just build on me in a way to punish myself for a lot of things that i'd done wrong or i'd let go wrong. i'm at fault for a lot of shit i'm not too proud of, even if things did come out ok at the other end.

i cant lie, i still think about how things would be between me and jess if i didnt fuck that up so royally. she really did mean more than life to me even if i showed it very shittily. and now shes all wrapped up about me calling her a bitch and a cunt a few times after she talked mad shit about me throughout the last 2 years of our relationship, including some of the most personal things i'd ever told her, and i just let all of that slide. what a fucking bitch. what goes around comes around, i'm sure, but that also goes both ways.

now theres this girl lesley, who, i cant lie about either, i've liked for a substantial amount of time. i really do want to make it work out with her because she is truly amazing. she doesnt talk shit, she's shy and shaded like i always have been, and she's just a genuinely nice girl who fits really well with me. but on the other side, my mind works in downward spirals. it looks at the positives before the negatives. yea she's exquisite and incredible and makes me wicked happy, but i'm afraid that might be my sole excuse for her. i do truly have these strong feelings for her now that i've been open about them, but they're clouded by what ifs and maybes and what wills and what haves. i really dont want her to become another jess to me. i've been hearing this song, sadly, it's by slipknot and granted i dont know what its called. i'm pretty sure its one of the chapters to vermillion. and its talking about how "she" is his world and how "she" makes him feel so alive, but how he doesnt want to believe it and how he doesnt want to destroy it. so "i wont let this build up inside of me." and honestly, thats pretty much the way i feel about me and her. i feel a lot for her, but i dont want to let it really click with me. i'm positive its not her and its just my deepest emotions playing on my mind. i really hope this entry doesnt put a kink between us, because regardless of my thoughts on it, things are going really good with us and i havent been happy like this in almost a year. but then again my thoughts have been known to fuck up everything. and i'd hate to say livejournal destroyed my relationship.

my heart and my mind are a volatile concoction and are best left seperate and decided. but at the same time, they are so indifferent and indecisive, i never know which one is guiding me or which one to follow. so i have a tendency to lead them, which puts me ahead of myself. if you've ever been there, you know 8 times out of 10 its not good for you. But, from the other side of things, the 2 times out of 10 that it works out seem to be more than worth the 8 that dont, but there's better ways to go about things. i'm just lost as to what wont hurt so fucking much.

i really hope she doesnt read this.

i lost track of the whole talking to strangers thing. as you can see i'm kind of emo. i promise i'll write entries that dont sound so gay and so dashboard confessionals next crying song. i'm just really emotionally fucked for the time being.

its kind of like i want some stranger to read this just so i know what i'm saying is clicking with someone it doesnt matter to. i'm weird like that, i guess. too bad thats not going to happen. i'm pretty sure angels dont surf peoples' blogs anymore than god answers someones' prayers.

i told you i was thinking too much.

i've lost all sense of optimism, but i share it with a found strong sense of hope. maybe that makes me hopeless, but its the best chance that i've got. maybe someday things will get brighter. until then, i'm standing out here in the rain with a fucking umbrella singing songs and dancing through puddles until the storm will go away.

if the storm ever came.
i'm sick of drowning in ankle deep water.